I write my first blog today after a series of endless thoughts: Thoughts which have been bugging me constantly, ceaselessly, and the nerves in my head have ached, palpitated and throbbed vigorously but I still search insatiably for a direction. I put a constant pressure on my mind and while I do that, there is an uncontrolled pounding of my heart; a release of my pent-up emotions in form of heat from my benumbed fingers. Fingers which are now pressing the keys of my laptop’s keyboard - slowly, cautiously. It's time to vent out and communicate my feelings. I need an outlet, an opening...or else I get a feeling that my nerves might twist, my mind may destruct and I may suffer endlessly with a brain haemorrhage.
‘I am being tested by fire.’
As I describe inadvertently my incoherent stream of consciousness, I find myself in a spot. A spot where all my thoughts are clustered in a web. A web of mixed thoughts - half answered, half desired, half said, half felt, half broken, half concluded, half strangled, half suffocated... they need to be untangled, they need to be streamlined, they need to get in order. Incapable of expressing and tied within limitations, I don't want to suicide like Virginia Woolf did. But her ailments were same as mine, I am bitten by the same bug. You might call it a mental illness or a lack of self belief.
‘I confess today, I have a mental disease.’
I know, I am aware - I have this disorder of ‘Communicating my every new thought’. The thought might be an irrelevant one and may holds no importance to the person I am trying to express it to. You may call it ‘Richa’s disease’, as I am yet to discover this phenomenon in any other living human being. The people around me who regularly listen to me feel that "How self-contradictory and confused this woman is!” I use the word 'woman' here, as at the age of 21 now, I am realising that I no longer remain a kindergarten girl or a girl next door. I am no longer interested in what other girls do. I just can't be one of them. I am unable to mix in a regular crowd. I am a distinguished identity.
‘I am surely different, surely special.’
My thoughts have been dying and withering in my daily diaries, pailing away or the older ones have already been eaten by moths. If not in diaries, I use to write on pages. Pages that I use to crumble soon after I wrote on them and threw them away in the garbage dins for recycling.
‘I recycle my thoughts every day.’
I also make senseless but strong pictographs. I display my thoughts through diagrams. I keep drawing all my thoughts with a pen or a pencil and when I stop to see - It’s always a hazy mess, a distorted design, a line drawn and then cut, a wavy path, a straight road that ends nowhere, a light that slowly fades away, a face that is unrevealed. I never understand what I have just drawn, but I feel so proud of that layout. If you ask me to show it to you, I may hardly have any, as I draw it on newspapers, on magazines, on back covers of my books and note books, on my legs, hands, bed sheets, walls, in the air too. Also, I can’t show it to others as they will never understand my designs. They are after all MY designs, only I know what the picture depicts.
‘I close my eyes and I see the picture I drew, I get to know what it fortells.’
I also let out my mind convolutions through verbal communication. Almost every one I talk to, realises an intricacy of my balancing scales - sometimes up, sometimes down, sometimes so balanced (that makes me happy!).
‘I can blame it on my sun sign: Libra - The swinging scales!’
I reside in my little enclosure, my closed space - with only a few special people getting an inlet to this little attic of mine. Only those whom I let enter, the ones I trust fully. Only those who understand me or rather try to understand me - and sometimes manage to do so. While I write what I feel with my utmost transparency, utmost truthfulness and sincerity, I have already painted a canvass of whirlwinds. Whirls of my inner thought processes, my inner mind conflicts. I realise that I have grown and matured now, and this ‘Little Bubbly Richa’ who is termed ‘Vivacious’ and ‘Full of life’ is now reflecting a strong dimension of her personality which is often misunderstood or not understood at all.
‘No one around understands this thoughtless woman as she is one complex creature.’
Through an inner self realisation, an inner call, I have managed to put down what I strongly believe in. So from here on I present to you, a chain of some well thought, some half thought and some unthought-of thoughtless thoughts. I am deeply elated when I put these thoughts down and in a surreal way and depict a little reflection of me - in every paragraph, in every phrase, in every line, in every word and in every alphabet. I wish to thank all those people who initiated and inspired me into this world of blogging. Now I know what it feels to self contemplate and use the medium of expression(like writing a blog) for personal catharsis. After the catharsis is over, this is how one feels, "Relieved and Blessed".
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P.S.: Each blog that you will read from now will be a reflection of my mood at the instance of writing. I have frequent mood swings, so I might be strongly critiquing my own points after I ponder over them again. These are the conflicts with which I deal every day and I am being blatantly honest about it. But the beauty of it is - that when I write... It's ME who asks the question, and while questioning, it's only ME who is answering it too. So the answers are right here within ME.
‘All I need to do is -- "Some Soul Searching."’
So here are my life's impressions -
"As I leave my footmarks behind..."
Richa Taneja.
6:40 pm
28th March 2009.
(May be today is the day when my seed was sown, as I feel that a new chapter of my life is about to begin, I feel enunciated and incidentally, I was born on a Saturday and my birthday is exactly six months from here. I better ask my mom and dad if I was a premature 6 month born child!! :D)
*smiling warmly*
I know I just wrote some crap! But that's Richa for you.
‘Believe her, disbelieve her,
praise her, abhor her,
but you surely can’t IGNORE her.’ :)
